TYLER, A Gentle Soul

I have an old friend named Tyler.  I also consider him to be among my spiritual companions.  Tyler is now 31 years old and is Developmentally Disabled or has what is commonly known as Down’s Syndrome. What I learned right away when I met him 15 years ago was that Tyler’s depth of feeling was profound.  He is a high functioning young man and can communicate his feelings and thoughts well, but his understanding is limited when it comes to the more difficult emotional issues of life.  He often gets stuck, when he needs a little help to find his wings again.  He has such great compassion and love, that he becomes very sad and weighed down when people he love die, for example. It is quite a bridge for him to cross.  He takes it very personally and he doesn’t understand why people have to leave him.  Tyler’s huge heart breaks.

A few months back, Tyler asked me to meet him at Starbucks.  He was treating me because he had a gift card and also because he is a gentleman.  We are always happy to see one another, even on Skype.  He doesn’t withhold, though, that I “don’t look very good” on Skype.  He makes fun of me and teases me every chance he gets.  Can you tell I’m crazy about him?

Tyler graduated with his High School class. He gave a speech at Commencement about how much he loved and missed his favorite teacher, who passed away from cancer that year.  This charming young man has so many admirable qualities.  For example, Tyler is one of the most disciplined people I know.  He follows a  specific organic diet that he gets from his hero's website (Texas Walker Ranger) and prepares his own meals in his new apartment in Columbia, MD.  He recently moved from a small group home because he desperately wanted to maintain his own scedule and independence.   A social worker meets with him regularly and a caregiver drives him to his appointments and to his volunteer job.  Tyler’s first love is horses and he volunteers regularly at a Therapeutic Horse Center. This very special guy plays hockey and golf in the Special Olympics. He also loves to talk to kids about the benefits of learning Karate. He earned his Black Belt a few years back.  He sees himself as a peacekeeper and is very concerned about violence in his beloved Columbia ,which his great uncle, Mr. Jim Rouse, founded.

So, Tyler called me and said he had to see me and ask me a very important question.  His mom Kathy, a dear friend, suggested he might talk with me about his experience.  So over coffee, with catching up out of the way, Tyler leaned into me.  He looked very worried. I could tell he’d lost some sleep over this. His voice softened.  He said that his old friend Larry, who was in his 70’s, died a week ago and that Larry was a very good friend to him all his life...his whole life since he was a little boy.. and practically whispering Tyler told me that after Larry died, he saw a bright white light.  He instinctively knew this light was from a dimension of the spirit.  He’d seen that same light before when his uncle Billy died 5 years ago.  He looked directly into my eyes. Did I know what it was?  I asked him if the white light was a small perfect circle, and I drew it on a napkin.  He looked at me immediately with recognition and said ,”Yes. That’s it.”

 A huge weight was visibly lifted ..and as he struggled to share his understanding with me, his eyes moistened.  Tyler  leaned into me, closer, face to face.  “I think that was Larry’s soul saying goodbye to me.”  “ God sent him to me to do that.”  I smiled and nodded.  With this, we drank our coffee together in silence.  He was at peace.

PRACTICE

I found out that standing in line at the Post Office is a great place to practice my practice. A few weeks ago, I got into an old favorite practice of mine...as I shall now recount to you....

...the vastness of such incompetency blows my mind... these poor customers waiting for the two bored and uncaring postal employees who were taking their good old time and had not the slightest interest that the line of folks staring at them was about 15 people long. Their attitude of “we’re going to take our good old time” laid heavily in the air. This Indian woman and her two childish sons were hogging the desk for the entire 20 minutes that I was standing in this motionless line. Her children were playing “as if they were on a playground” and their achingly loud voices echoed in the swollen silence of the stiff space around me. Of course, the mother was chatting away with the postal guy and didn’t even hear them. Every now and then, she’d glance their way, like, “oh, I have these two boys who are behind me and they are still there...”. The gentleman behind me was practicing “patience is a virtue”, he claimed. No one else seemed to care that these postal employees, eyes facing down, were oblivious to the folks in the line and that the ”head honcho” was idling in the back somewhere, probably munching from that box of ‘stale by now’ broken-off pieces of donuts from morning, along with about 10 other employees that were drunk with the same lackadaisical attitude. This soup of details was swarming around in my head like a bunch of mad bees that just got evicted from their hive.

In the not so distant past, I would have taken up the martyr role as easily as scooping up a free sample of cookies at the grocery store. I would have maybe gone up to the desk and pleasantly (fake smile) asked if there was anyone who could work the empty windows since, glancing pointedly with my eyes, there was “quite a line here for the last 20 minutes”....I would have thought about it before I did it, and how there wasn’t anyone else for the job, and it would have to be me, or I’d be stuck there with these weird Indian or “something” kids all day. Of course, I’d been nursing this and this is just one example...of my personality in action.

That was then.

I sighed to myself. I thought, wait a minute! I could practice here! So, I took the whole scene in with all it’s idiosyncrasies. The sounds of the kid's screeching and echoing voices, the buzz of the florescent lights, the vacant desk windows, the stale donuts, the bees..and I extended and saw this scene before me just manifesting as time in space.. Everything was moving or not moving, people’s mouths were moving or not moving, everything s-l-o-w-e-d down so that I could really see what was right in front of me. The judgements went. The scene took on a hue of radiant reflections in time. It became the Post Office and people just mailing stuff! I saw the light glistening in the kid’s eyes...the love they had for each other in their shoving and chasing, their mother’s delight in being a mom, the post office people just doing their jobs, and smiling! To my surprise and relief, my mind became still. I SAW time in timelessness and as I extended into the space around me, my heart took it’s rightful place. I saw things as they really were...and it was just beautiful. So simple and simply divine. I felt an ethereal presence within and beyond myself, in an eternal and infinitely luminous and lovely sphere of purity and beingness. I was in bliss...and felt great. Yes, then the line moved, and I, along with it.

The important thing for me was that this wasn’t a “self-improvement” trip or exercise I was trying to “accomplish”. It was a practice with no goal and my intention, I guess, was to just change the direction my mind had taken me and end the “self-suffering”. First, I suspended my mind. Then I extended into the space around me. That was the simple practice. The transformation occurred within me through the generosity of grace. And, my understanding took the shape of this scene in time, colored and carried by the light of love.

Written by Karen Ferguson

ALONE

I had a dream as a 4 or 5 year old girl that I did not remember until I received an assignment for a college English class to write about an experience that shaped my character. I had no idea... but as I was thinking about this, I relived something that seemed like a dream. I called my mom and asked her if she remembered me telling her about this dream. She did!

One beautiful summer evening when the sweet smell of hot roses and and soft peonies filled the air, I was home alone. The reason I was alone isn't really relevant. But, alone I was. I was dressed in my Sunday best in black shoes, white socks with lace on the top and a pretty dress. I walked from the living room window after I watched my family drive away in an old studebaker station wagon (green and tan) and felt the silent space around my body. I walked into the dining room and noticed that the window had no glass. Just a window sill. Curious, I went over and knelt down on my knees and put my elbows on the window sill and looked up into the sky. In the blue, black sky, swarms of stars and moonbeams shined their reflections upon each other. A pregnant fullness was in this night, that made it different from any other. I was full of peace and light, and my eyes and heart were open wide.

Already enraptured, I watched as Jesus made his way to me from this pure sky space. He didn't speak out loud or move his lips. I only remember his beautiful and kind face and his eyes that were so soft and looking so deeply into mine. He said he had come to visit me and I asked him if he would like some tea. Yes, he said. So I ran and got my little tea set and put it on the window sill. We sat together in this sequined silence and drank our pretend tea. As we sipped from the tiny cups, I was washed by the love in his eyes. His heart melted into mine.

There was just this gazing of his eyes into mine. In this way, he fed me his own love. It seemed like our gaze was all that existed,as I drank it in for what seemed like an eternity.

Whenever "then " was, Jesus sat down his tea cup and told me that it was time for him to go. He said, "There's something I want to tell you...then he paused. He looked even deeper this time, directly and stongly into my little eyes.

"Never be afraid to be alone, because I will always be with you." With that, he left as magically as he came.

As a child, I gazed into photos of Jesus that were large on the walls of our church. They were alive for me. As the preachers words faded into the background, there was Christ knocking on a door to a cottage... such a beautiful, soft door with flowers surrounding it. I couldn't figure out who was on the other side of the door...but my heart came to know the answer...

Written by Karen Ferguson

In Between

The in between zone of time and timelessness has been worth it’s weightlessness in gold in my life lately.. and for that, I am very grateful to all of the teachers who continue to inspire me. That space seems to be filled with gratitude and compassion and light. So pure and so supportive, surrounding my whole being, in my whole being. It does pervade the space around me- around everything.

I remember finding a pinpoint of an opening into this in between zone and stepped inside of it, one little extension at a time. I had to go very slowly and inch my way, waiting for this space to warm and expand around me, and then I had to integrate it into my life.

Then, another tiny step, expand, integrate. More light. More space. I was still in the dark but carried on this tedious task out of pure stubbornness sometimes. Sometimes, I would totally lose my place in this process and even forget about it.... somehow, though, I kept moving and inching my way forward, like a little green inchworm. I wriggled my way into the light very carefully like I was trying to get into an old dress without ripping it.

Holding onto the light, and letting it go at the same time has been like walking a tightrope made of angel hair, and the suitcase of stuff I was carrying with me definitely had to go. What is was filled with had to be taken out and dealt with in my own way.

I had to let go of so much stuff that really wasn’t me or mine. That was the work.

As you know, this isn’t easy. It takes time. Patience. And, faith that this is all for a reason and to fulfill the highest purpose of one’s life...faith and patience to keep walking one step at a time towards finding this freedom, this pure blissful consciousness where one would find that the inside and the outside are one.

Everyone has there own way and their own process...this is just mine. I feel that I’ve finally lost the weight and was able to zip that dress up. It suits me. It is comfortable and I’m not walking a tightrope anymore. I’m not carrying a suitcase. I am still learning. I’m still working. I’m still integrating. But, there is more time where I am sitting in the space in between here and there which is both here and there. There is a feeling of the inside and outside being the same. There is a lovely light in my heart that is guiding me now... into more light, ever opening, ever expanding, ever radiant. Extending into that truth and stepping into it fully is my walk.   I've come to know this as Timeless Awareness.  To come alive in Timeless Awareness, to step into that realm holding non duality in a world of differences,  is a divine invitation.

THE PHENOMENOLOGY OF THE PATH OF YOUR AWARENESS AS NATURAL LIBERATION

Dudjom Rinpoche would say: Know the one thing that frees everything, your own awareness.

It is also important to know the difference between your mind and your awareness. Your mind is your thoughts, your affects, your sensations, your fantasies, and your memory. Your mind is your ego and it is really good to have one. You, the essential you, is awareness; the innermost awareness that is within your mind and your body and the mind-body continuum. Primordial awareness is your basic self, your subjectivity, your awareness. Awareness is non conceptual knowingness…the knowingness of knowingness within yourself as yourself and your knowingness of knowingness within others, and within the world. Awareness is direct and not always mediated through the mind although it can be. Mind is really important, and awareness is really really important. You really want to know the difference because in that sense of difference lays mastery, esoteric mastery. If you only know your mind, only conceptualize your mind: your thoughts, affects, sensations, memories, fantasy, desire, you have a great skill but you must go further.

It is useful to free yourself from you mind temporarily, to suspend your mind just a bit to actually know this awareness. As you focus within awareness as awareness on awareness you will experience space or openness, or even at moments a void, vast and space without reference, sky-like space or even nothingness as no thingness or emptiness. Initially, this is not always easy, but to have this base of spaciousness as your self is so freeing, and un-containing. This experience of spaciousness becomes the base of your experience, base of arising thoughts, feelings, sensations, memory, fantasy and the base of the dissolving of experience. This base of awareness is your essential self. We might even consider that you are a place, the place of awareness in time and space. Awareness is not a thought, or affect, or sensation, or memory, or fantasy. Awareness is a place. For you to be aware of the place of awareness is to be grounded in awareness. Awareness, the space of awareness is ground, is place.

This place that you are, this ground that you are is unbound and is actually a field. It is not a thing, or little entity. This field goes beyond the body boundaries, that is so amazing. Its horizons can extend and extend, your base, this original ground is actually infinite in its horizons and even multi-dimensional. This space, this openness, this non conceptual knowingness is also light, or luminous, namely, it illuminates itself and illuminates your experience. Light or illuminosity is another way of speaking about knowing, consciousness. Knowingness is openness.

This space is a sense of potentialities. There are no fixations in this space, it is unformulated spaciousness. To remain in this place of awareness is to experience potential in an un-fixated way. This unformulatedness, or unfixatedness is both great and scary. And this awareness is also energy, energy arises and emanates from within this place, this space, this essential you is more you than your thoughts, sensations, memories and fantasy, more essential than your affective states, more essential than your history, your story. Your story, your history , this narrative is actually experienced from within this place of awareness, of openness, energy, and light.

This spaciousness is the path of natural liberation. Liberation is not a function as some would think of having a perfect mind, perfect thoughts, perfect feelings, memories, sensations. Liberation is not simply a moral issue, an issue of conscience, of being better, gooder, smarter. Religion can be really useful and fun, but liberation is not limited to religious framing. Liberation can take place within religions, but liberation is the very nature of awareness and is independent of religion.

To live within the place of awareness, to experience the unfolding experiences of your life, is the method of liberation, natural liberation. Liberation is the embodiment of awareness, the heart essence. You get a glimpse and then you habituate the experience. You liberate through experience. Liberate means becoming free, unbound, untied, locked down,

There are many methods. I will describe one method by guru rinpoche, Padmashambhava.

Do not think or focus on the past experience, do not live in the past, and do not think about the future, do not live in the future, no repetitious remembering and no obsessional futuring, such framing takes you out of awareness. Sometimes within awareness the past may manifest and even at times the sense of the future may manifest, but being in your mind about the past and being in your mind about the future, takes you out of potential space, dharmakaya. Do not focus on past thoughts, or chase after the future. Stay within the sense of awareness and experience the arising of everything within this awareness field, remain in the place of awareness. And experience not only the arising but the dissolving of experience-becoming an expert and master of arising and dissolving, appearing and disappearing of phenomena. Become a master of the arising of affects, arising of sensations, arising of memory, arising of fantasy, arising of conceptualizations and the dissolving of sensations, dissolving of memory, dissolving of fantasy, dissolving of affective states. Living in a spacious awareness field is very very lucky.

By being in indeterminate space everything is possible; do not conceptualize desire as hope or hopelessness. Live in awareness, the place of awareness which is unfixated, unformulated, less organized by your mind, that moment, that duration is dharmakaya, or that moment is timeless awareness, self liberated awareness in time. This timeless awareness will in time illuminate your mind your thoughts, your affective states, even your memory, enhancing your sensations, enhancing your feelings……

Equally important, there is past, present and future, through the present we experience the 4^th time, timeless awareness, you will stabilize in timeless awareness. Within awareness you will not internalize other peoples’ affective states- this is also liberation. You will know what is happening within and without, but in knowingness you will be free of the internalization of other people’s affective states- then you will have uncluttered inner space-the space is actually your own continuum.

Finally this awareness is not uni-dimensional. It is actually multidimensional and as you live in awareness ,this place of awareness, the dimensions reveal themselves to you, you will experience the dimension of pure potentiality, the archetypical dimension of energies, luminous vortexes, symbolic elaboration of powers or shakties of awareness field and you will experience nirmanakaya as luminous flesh, luminous earth.

Written by: Rudolph Bauer, Ph.D.

Edited by: Skip Ellis, MSW

Speaking of Consciousness

Speaking of consciousness, a smile arises with my breath, like the ocean waves coming into shore, happily greeting my toes. The smile extends there, into my feet. I sense the outline of my body, the substances filling it, the structure supporting it, the personality abiding. Past, present and future are all accounted for in time and timelessness. Traces of truth remain, as I watch the water dissolve into the sand.

The sun and the moon make great companions, but rarely see one another. One is hidden, the other displayed. Sometimes, they can be seen in the sky together, when they whisper as dawn breaks, our light is one. They appear separate; the sun and the moon, the forest and the trees, the sky and the birds, the water and the sand.

Speaking of Consciousness, my breath once again becomes a smile upon my face. The sun is there to warm me, the moon cooling my back, shooting through my heart's abode. It is here, it is there. It is in- between here and there. Mirrors surround and catch the image of the mandala, constantly changing it’s perfect display of colored seconds of time, washed clean with a crashing wave. Foam crested waters immerse what was held in that instant, sheer, like the mist. Don’t be fooled by the changing scenery.

Speaking of Consciousness, my feet want to dance. My arms want to swing and my heart wants to jump for joy. My hands want to come together, to clap, to pray. My body wants to twirl and reach to the sky, my nose wants to take in the smells of the dirt and all the rotting leaves and the chill in the air. My ears are free and sounds swirl through them. I want to give birth. My child is born of this smiling light. Countless babies of bliss bounce through the air, like bubbles or balloons making there ascension. They are gone now.

Speaking of Consciousness, all of nature take their places, like the pages of a book , blank until the words are written. What once was a black and white world has become a magical spiraling field of light, full of colors that have no names. The base is this radiance, brilliant light. Who is mixing these gorgeous hues? Who is the palette holder and who is creating this scene before my eyes? I’ve heard the name whispered in the wind. It contains all the letters and all the names and all the sounds. They swirl together like leaves falling, and delight in carrying them softly to the ground. The sound they make as they touch the earth, that is the name, speaking of consciousness.

written by Karen Ferguson

Mudra of Time and Timelessness

Mudra of Time and Timelessness

The simple mudra of lightly touching the tip of the first finger to the tip of the thumb connects, brings together, time in timelessness and timelessness in time. This invaluable, easy gesture of the hand reminds us where we are in any given situation. It is a gesture that brings us to the precise and present moment of whatever circumstance we are in. In this shared instant of now, time and timelessness effortlessly balance one another.

If pulled apart or separated, time and timelessness lose coherence. Without time, timelessness floats with no meaningful ‘where’ in the vast and open oneness of singularity. And time, without its timeless companion, gets stuck, pinned, by its own overabundant focus on endless parcels and bits…fragments of occurrences, whether real or anticipated, of situations past, or present, or yet to come. In this way, time catches itself, ensnares itself, in the ‘thingness’ of events. With no abiding ‘whereness’ of time, we too become caught and cannot fully meet, cannot fully connect, with the moment of our situation. Without timelessness, there is no felt place in time in which to be.

And so, these two entities of timelessness and time provide a context, an unfolding frame, for each other; one holds both the other as well as itself. So too are we as ourselves, as your self and my self, simultaneously held in both time and timelessness. We can now know naturally and easily the ‘where’ of our situation, whatever it may be. In this way, we can meet a circumstance and take agency, for a place in time now has meaning. And at this triangulated point of self and time and timelessness, we can just be. Never lost to time, never lost in ‘no time’, this point moves like liquid light. It is the leading edge of light and is not different now from what it was several minutes ago, or from what it will be several minutes from now. It is compass and map and place all at once…pointing to now, now, now…a known time held always in the timeless present in the life of every situation.

The mudra…the index finger flexed and lightly pressing against the thumb, the thumb gently staying the finger…is method. We can now choose to be fully present in any given moment. The mudra gives us a way to do that: The beingness of our own being emerges and unfolds where time and timelessness simultaneously hold and release the moment of every circumstance. And we are here, living now from this place in the clarity of continuously flowing time.

Written by: Erin Johannesen, M.A., M.D.

Edited by: Rudolph Bauer, Ph.D.