I recently had a first hand experience of watching a friend become triggered, who then projected the regurgitated material onto this writer. Here are some of my observations from this encounter:
1. The triggered eyes became glazed over, and twice the size, and alternately cringed together into tiny slits.
2. The person looked at me as if I was an enemy instead of the friend I thought I was.
3. Illogical conclusions were presented as logical with reasoning to prove it.
4. Judgements and accusations were hurled in an attempt to resolve the triggered unconscious material. Also, an underlying mist of sarcasm and hostility was detected.
Surprisingly, my past experience on both sides of the fence, (and I have to pray my meditation practice as well,) gave me some kind of inner awareness that guided me through this with a new focus. I'm going to try and break it down. First, I found myself being present to the situation, fully embodied. I did not dissociate into a fragmented place where I clung to an inner iceberg, trying not to drown. Next, I did not retreat into myself, but maintained focus by extending to the person speaking to me. I noticed this helped me be centered and grounded and see the various elements of this mandala. I felt feelings throughout, but they were also part of the mandala. Defensiveness, anger, fear, the power of the person's triggered state, and the unconscious intention of trying to knock me off balance, were all part of my awareness. I felt the potential triggers that were literally springing up in my own ego and mind and then watched them fall away, too weak to gain a foothold. I heard the attempt to make me the perpetrator of this trigger. I offered a rational explanation, but this was discounted and the effort to avoid "owning" the trigger continued. I heard the mutual and familiar distant wail of two former victims, both well versed in victimhood. Here is where I became very clear in how to respond. Rather than engage an argument or become defensive, I said something like, "Sorry I can't help you out with this." The person continued to press on about why the trigger occurred and that if I wasn't the cause of it, she would have to "figure out why she was triggered". I agreed, nonverbally, but the statement seemed cloaked in doubt as to my innocence.
I've thought about the change in my posturing in this familiar situation. I felt very strong, and knew I didn't want to stop the suffering of either party by assuming any responsibility or explaining away the situation, other than giving the straight facts. I detached. But, something new is that I didn't get smaller as a result. I gained power by not giving it away. I remained present to the mandala in time, and continued to extend through the situation , in timelessness. This practice was the golden key in a very sensitive moment even as the outcome of the situation remains unclear.
Consciousness, however, is perfectly clear. It's nature is compassion, and that is the trigger I wish to hold and contain. I pray that this tangled perception was seen by the eye of compassion, and hence purified and hopefully released. That is my prayer, the healing chod, the song of healing.
May all those triggers and those triggered be seen with the eye of compassion. Also, may those of us who continue to find ourselves presented with difficulties that bring up painful, frightening and even suffocating emotions from the arenas of our lives, find comfort in knowing that we are all spiraling inside the light of healing and compassion, the light of pure consciousness. Finding that eye in the storm, may we always remain in compassion's embrace.
Written by Karen Ferguson
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